Culinary Creeps

One of the benefits of living semi-remotely is that people don't just happen to walk past my kitchen window; it's off the road. Naturally, I feel quite safe having breakfast in my kitchen without being, ahem, "decent". This is a false security! Standing there, basically naked, eating my bread, dancing, singing loudly "I'm gonna pop some tags.." I see the head of a man gliding past my kitchen window, and not just any man, but one who I'm quite sure is an alcoholic, which just makes it altogether more unpleasant, having heard all these stories about how drunk men will randomly enter people's houses around here. Did this stop my naked eating dance? No. I just locked the door.

Dietary Disturbia

OK, so it's no secret that I am, shall we say prone to bad eating, constant eating, overeating, emotional eating, and just about any other thing that is negative about consuming food. It's not that I haven't tried being better; I've literally struggled with it for years. All my life I was bone thin. Tiny. Petite. A combination of genetics, high metabolism, and general activity ensured that I had no excess fat anywhere (except for some puppy fat in my face, of course). Then suddenly, at age 16, something changed (well *something* being my sudden increased intake of soda and other sugary things, as well as an introduction of complete laziness), and I gained around 8 kgs (that's about 18 pounds) in approximately 4 months. Now, this really didn't make me particularly big, as I'm quite tall and was almost underweight, but on my petite frame it did make me look a bit more pudgy, especially my face, so I decided to lose weight. I lost 22 pounds in 4 months, and the way I did it was by being completely insane and boring. No sugars, excess fats, rice, white bread, pasta, or anything else containing wheat flour. No gravies or dressings (not even ketchup!). No chocolates, snacks, or cakes. NO junk food. Basically, my life SUCKED. I couldn't eat anything without feeling guilty, and if I was stupid enough to have something unhealthy, for example a chocolate bar containing approximately 250 calories, I would burn off 750 to punish myself. I've seen the pictures of me; it wasn't pretty. I managed to keep at this for around 2 years, when I finally decided that I was way too skinny, and that it was neither attractive nor feminine. I'd secretly always wanted a body like Beyoncé, curvy and toned, and I decided that now was the time to get it (or at least by body's version of it). I knew what to do: increase my daily caloric intake and start working out in a way that would build muscle, rather than make me look like the legs of a flamingo. What I didn't count on was the heavy load of homework school would bring me at the same time, which completely took over, so here's what really happened: I began to eat more - a lot more - and stopped exercising altogether. Mysteriously enough, this didn't really get me much closer to my goals except for my ass expanding (along with the rest of me), and I was soon back up at a weight that I didn't consider flattering. No one else seemed to notice any negative changes. "You look so healthy! What have you done?" was a sentence I frequently heard, replacing the "Jesus, you're skinny" outcry ( which was followed by concerned glances at my arms/legs). I had mixed feelings: on the one hand I loved the fact that my thighs and ass had gotten larger, on the other hand I hated that everything else got bigger too. Why can't I just be pear shaped? Pear shaped women REJOICE! You are the luckiest of all women! Anyway, the sudden increase in food consumption is where my true issues began. I never seemed to be able to quite tame my hunger again. For the next many years, up until now, my weight would yoyo up and down +/- 15 pounds, depending on how much food I ate, how bad it was, and how much exercise I got. I developed a habit of eating burgers, hot wings, fries, and other crappy foods in the late night/early morning hours, and an addiction to being completely stuffed. It's especially the latter that's to blame for my "issues". I have a high metabolism, so it doesn't really matter too much what I eat, but when you are capable of easily eating 6 full plates of dinner, things go wrong, you know? Which brings me to another point: guys who are trying to get buff, but have a hard time eating enough. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? "I have to consume 3500 calories a day :'( How am I going to manage? :'(" Fuck you.

For 7 months I've been able to stay more or less on track exercisewise. I've found workouts that are short and effective, which works for me; I'm not a 2 hours at the gym kind of person. Dietwise, however, I leave a lot to be desired. I managed to eat salads daily for a few months, but I just can't stick with it. I've tried again a few times, but I literally would rather not eat, so I've decided to eat as well as I can, and just not care. If I crave something unhealthy (which basically is daily) I'll have it, because guess what? Drinking a big glass of water is not gonna do anything but make you want to pee.