6 New Year's Resolutions That Never Work

Ah, December 31st: the day we all make magical, unbreakable pacts with ourselves that dictate how we're going to improve. There's something so symbolic about starting a new year. It's the ultimate symbol of a fresh start, and it fills our little hearts and minds with hopes and dreams about what our lives, and we ourselves, could be. We see ourselves 20 pounds lighter, in tip top shape, sipping on green smoothies, and doing charity work. "This", we tell ourselves, "is how my life is going to be. How I am going to be. Who I am, is hereby changed, undefined by my previous lifestyle. Naturally, by mid-January we realize that we can't do what we set out to do, feel bad about ourselves, cry, and vow that next year will be the year. You just "weren't ready". In honor of this wondrous day, I decided to compile a list of the top 6 New Year's resolutions that never work.

6. "I'm going to drink less."

Sure. You're 20-something, you're single, have no responsibilities, and you make this resolution at a New Year's Eve party. Intoxicated. Nothing wrong with this picture.

"NO MORE DRINKING!"

5. "I'm going to stop smoking."

You want to know the best time to stop smoking? Right now. Aaaah, but I know, how can you stop right now, I mean New Year's is happening and you have to smoke on New Year's. It would really just be sabotaging your own efforts to stop now, right? Wrong. This attitude is why you're going to fail. Don't even bother making this resolution.

Keep this in mind and you'll be fine!

4. "I'm going to break my routine/do something I've always wanted to do."

If you're the type of person that has to make a resolution to do these things, you're not going to do them. You've probably made this type of resolution several times before, but never acted on it. Perhaps you even bought guide books about places you really want to go. Cherish those books, because they're the only glimpse you'll ever get into another culture than the one which immediately surrounds you. OK, that's not entirely true: you're probably an avid user of Google Earth.

Listen to Jenna. She knows.

3. I'm going be a better version of me.

A better version of you? If that's all you've got, you fail to see the issue. We don't want a better version of you; we want a completely different version. Someone who's not an absolute asshole. Stop wasting our time. Seriously, what does "better version of me" even mean? If you're a prick, are you going to be a better prick? I'm confused? Wat?

That's right, Beyoncé. You don't have to change at all. You're perfect!

2. I'm going to be healthier.

You're not going to be healthier. Stop being delusional. Are you magically going to enjoy salad? Are you going to be perfectly happy replacing pasta and rice with spinach leaves and peppers? Let me burst this bubble for you: it took me 1½ - 2 years of eating green every day before I started to enjoy it. The amount of dedication it takes to completely change your eating habits if you, like me, hate(d) healthy food is intense, and a simple New Year's Resolution is not going to make any fucking difference. I'm just assuming that you dislike healthy food, as there's no other viable excuse for an unhealthy lifestyle. If you seriously enjoy healthy food and intentionally make unhealthy choices on a daily basis: get off my blog, bitch. By enjoy, I mean seriously enjoy. Don't be one of those flabby McDonald's looking bitches that always loudly proclaim to "love salad" every time someone is within earshot. You're not fooling anyone.

No, you don't understand!

And the number one, ultimate, most classic, overused, unachieved resolution of them all is...

1. I'm going to lose weight

The number 1 New Year's resolution of all time. Related to number 2. OK honey, here's the deal. If you weren't disciplined enough to do it in the previous year, nothing is going to magically change and give you motivation for the coming year. Motivation and determination don't appear out of thin air - you decide to be motivated. You decide to be determined. Then you work hard. Stop wishing on stars and making promises. You can start losing weight whenever you want.

You think by making a resolution you're gonna be determined?

You might be upset, thinking that in your case it's going to be different, but it's not. Stop kidding yourself.

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HAPPY NEW YEAR, my lovelies xx
Yours,

"Kanye West - Bound 2" Review

Ever since Kanye West released the video for his tragedy song "Bound 2" last month, I've received numerous requests from people dying to hear my opinion on it. I must admit, I never intended to watch the video. From the descriptions people gave me, I feared it would be a trauma from which I would never recover. Lying in my bed at 3:30 AM, tired, bored, and waiting for my opponent in Quiz Battle to finish her turn, I decided "why not?"

BIGGEST. MISTAKE. EVER. What I watched can never be unwatched! What I heard can never be unheard! I have to live with the memory of that absolute piece of trash for the rest of my immortal life (yes, I am Nosferatu). Suddenly it was clear to me: the people asking me to watch the video didn't want my opinion - they just didn't want to suffer alone. After I was done crying and hugging myself, I got out of the fetal position, took a xanax or four, et voila: here I am, writing down my thoughts in a (drug induced) daze of absolute calm.


The "song" opens with a seal sounding son of a slag (hihi, so many "s'es"! Clever Cah Cah! Oops I did it again - threw in a Britney reference as I was pointing out my other word play. God I'm good.). Anyway, then you (think you) realize that it actually is seal, only he hasn't had a recognisable song since "Kiss From A Rose", which I didn't even know about until Mad TV did a skit about him and Heidi Klum.

Even with Kim's considerable assets, it takes a while before you realize that there's a woman on the bike.

Next up we've got Kim K trying to look all Beyoncé (I'm rhyming as well. Such poetry!) Delightfully, Queen Bey shows Kim and everyone else how Yoncé rocks the body silhouette thing (which she's done better than anyone else since Naughty Girl) in the song "Partition" off her new so-called 'visual album' (I just call it my new 'material' if you know what I'm saying. HOT!)

Do I even need to say anything? Now *that* is a silhouette!

Then, for no reason other than mentioning something about Jamaican, Kanye does a fail pretend Jamaican accent. It's so bad, it leaves you wondering whether he's been taking accent classes from a deaf person.

One of the worst things about the (supposed) song, is the beat (or complete lack thereof). It feels out of place and doesn't match the rhythm of the song at all and as a listener, the confusion caused by the audio parallels that which is caused by the visual.

Then, without warning, there's Seal again suddenly. There's no opening for him to actually join the song again - he just does, and the transition is as smooth as a single woman's legs during winter. It makes no sense. At all. At this point I'm starting to get annoyed. "This is why you never made it big Seal - you have no musical integrity. If you did, you would never have let your song be sampled by this moron. I never thought I'd say this, but I really hope you were ripped off." When the torture song finally ended, I googled what the sample was and discovered it wasn't Seal at all, but some respectable motherfucker called Charlie Wilson (who must be *very* desperate to end his career). Sorry Seal - I guess your lackluster career has nothing to do with your lack of integrity at all.

Is that Kanye or some sort of worm? Same difference.

Throughout the entire video, there were two things that kept catching my attention in the way that a really hairy mole does: Kanye has neck rolls the size of Kim's breasts and Kim looks so much like Kris suddenly (that's not a compliment, simply an indicator of too much bad plastic surgery).

All in all, the music and lyrics are so bad, this could have been the next "Friday", only it lacks any form of catchiness and therefore could only dream to achieve the same level of playing power that "Friday" has enjoyed.  Aha honey.


I'm off to bed now. Maybe I'll wake up and discover this was all just a bad dream. If not, I can always take comfort in the fact that James Franco and Seth Rogen made a hilarious parody video that literally saved my night. Hopefully I'll have dreams about Seth Rogen's back and shoulder hair - it's preferable to the obnoxiousness of Kim and Kanye.

If you enjoyed this post, please like it and share it with your friends! It would make a girl happy - especially after what I just witnessed! If you want to receive updates about when I post new blog posts right away, like my blog's Facebook page.


Yours,

Chris Hemsworth VS Liam Hemsworth

Tall, muscular, deep voices, dazzling smiles, warm personalities, and of course that accent. I am, of course, referring to the greatest treasures to have come out of Australia since Heath Ledger: The Hemsworth brothers. Chris and Liam really are two of the most perfect examples of everything a man should be, so the only fair battle of perfection would be between the two of them. I must admit, I used to be dead set on Liam. Ever since "The Last Song" I've been completely infatuated, and snorted at anyone who tried to make the argument that Chris was the hotter Hemsworth. That is, until I actually watched something that had Chris in it (Thor) and realized I may have been too quick to pass judgement. Seeing him wearing that suit of armor, and being so confident (yet polite), so strong (yet warm), so... *sighs* I would worship him even without his powers. I can't decide who's hotter now and it's giving me an identity crisis! To give myself piece of mind, I decided to set the two brothers up against each other, in an attempt to find out who's more.. (Hems)worthy. This will only evaluate their physical attributes. While they both seem like wonderful men, I don't know them, and therefore cannot accurately say anything about their personalities. If you're morally against this, don't bother complaining: just leave.

OK, let's start from the top:

The Hair

I'm really big on hair. As in really, really. As in I might ask a guy for seemingly no reason "So.. is your dad bald?" to check if he's got good hair genes kind of "really, really". Let's see how well they fare.

Chris:

Chris has locks worthy of a God.

His hair is probably that greased up because his wife can't stop running her hands through it.

Thor, to be exact. His hair is long, blond, and gorgeous. I'm giving him a 10/10 on this one.

He's kind of got a Kurt Cobain thing going on here. Kind of.. no?

                           

You don't get the part of Thor with the mane of Danny DeVito.

Sorry Big D! I promise you were first runner-up!

Liam:

Contrary to his older brother, Liam keeps his dark/dirty/golden blond hair short.

He has perfected the art of "How you doin'?" women.

It's well-kept, gorgeously styled, and wonderfully thick. It makes me want to put my hands through it and pull. Hard.

Don't look so shocked, Liam. It's not like you haven't heard that one before.

I give Liam a 10/10 as well. So far the score is 1 - 1.

The Eyes

"The eyes are the windows to the soul" is what many uninspired individuals proclaim with fake profundity. What do a man's eyes *really* double as? Panty stealers.

Chris:

Icy blue and crystal clear, the older Hemsworth brother's eyes have an almost illuminating quality about them.

Y-you're we-welcome Chris *swoons*

Being the Norse God of Thunder, it is only appropriate that he looks this Nordic. I'm not really a fan of the whole Northern European look on women, but on men... it's another 10/10!

Even from this angle, you can see how the eyes just.. shine. Oh Thor.. I mean, Chris.

Liam:

Maybe it's coincidence, maybe it's magic, or maybe it's because they're brothers and therefore the odds of them having similar features are quite high, but everything that was said about Chris' eyes is applicable to Liam's.

Were those my panties that just flew off?

The one difference might be that Chris' eyes are clearer, while Liam's are lighter, so they've got their own unique winning point. Liam gets a 10/10 for this one as well.

A demonstration of the amount of effort Liam generally has to put into picking up women.

So far the score is 2 - 2.

The Mouth

In my opinion, the mouth is one of the sexiest and most sensual places on the human face/body. Naturally, the Hemsworth brothers don't disappoint in this area either.

Chris:

If "sexy", "boyishly cute", and "carefree" joined and created a mouth, it would look a little something like this:

Imagine being his wife or mother and having to ever say no to him to anything. Mission impossible.

Combine it with the amazing hair and beautiful eyes and this is what you've got:

He's doing his Cheryl Cole impression.

Chris gets - you guessed it - another 10/10.

Liam:

If "mischievous", "devilish trickster", "SEX" and "warmth" created a mouth, it would look a little something like this:

He would only have to lick his lips at me like that once.

Liam's face is dangerous. He's so sexy, women spontaneously go off their period when he's within a 20 mile radius, in order for it to be possible to bear his child. It's just biology.

Even more dangerous is the fact that there's so much manliness coming off him, that being around him is enough to impregnate really fertile women.

Another 10/10 for Liam as well.

The score is now 3 - 3.

The Body

If I have to explain to you what makes a man's body so appealing, you're reading the wrong blog. Let's get to it!

Chris:

30 years old, and 6"4 (about 192 cm) tall, I don't even know where to begin with this hunk of a man. The arms, the chest, the abs? I think I'll just let the pictures speak for themselves.

I felt we required a still photo for this. It's difficult enough to concentrate as is! Just.. wow.

And one with movement just because:

Good news, bad news situation. The good news is that this guy actually exist. The bad news? He's not a part of your life.. at all.

Unsurprisingly Chris gets (yet another) 10/10!(!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Liam:

While not as ripped as his older brother, 23 year old Liam has an amazing build and is reportedly 6"3 (about 191 cm). Just take a look at these shoulders:

Yes, I realize he's wearing a shirt. Yes, I know you're disappointed. LOOK AT THOSE SHOULDERS!

Here's a topless one for the pervs (yes, I am one of them):

While his muscles aren't as defined, he's just so.. big! And look at that arm hair - *very* manly!

I'm giving Liam a 10/10 as well.

Final score: 4 - 4.

Conclusion

I realize some of you may disagree with the scores, particularly the body one (because Chris is undeniably more ripped than Liam), but I figure if I give them the same score on the mouth (when Liam's lips are obviously more luscious than those of his older brother), I can do the same with the body score as well. Don't get me wrong, I truly feel they deserve the scores I gave them; if I didn't, I would have scored them differently.

As you can see, my analysis didn't help me at all. I'm still just as confused as I was before I started, if not even more so. I guess the only way to decide would be to sleep with both of them, individually and together. It would be a tough job, but in the name of research, I'd do it - for you, my readers. I'll examine the possibilities of this happening and get back to you.

Hope you all had a lovely Christmas!

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Yours,

Body Image Issues: Barbie, Models, Photoshop, and.. Mannequins?

A friend of mine on Facebook posted a photo to his wall that I found very interesting. Take a look at this:

                                     

All overweight women have 12 chins. So realistic.

     Many people seem to think that Barbie is to blame for a lot of the body image issues that young girls suffer from, and try hard to push for a real Barbie that has actual humanlike proportions. They apparently also want a plus-sized Barbie. They feel that Barbie is an unhealthy advocate for what women should look like. Let me address a few issues here. Creating a Barbie at the other end of the unhealthy spectrum, advocating another unhealthy body image solves no problems. Adding a ridiculous amount of chins to would be "plus-sized Barbie" is just plain offensive. I know many overweight people - none of them have than many chins. "Realistic" Barbie basically looks like a cross between a midget and a fat toddler. She might have "realistic" proportions, but she doesn't look anymore "real" to me. Besides, Barbie isn't real! She's not supposed to be: SHE'S A DOLL. A fantasy. I think people are exaggerating the effect Barbie has on young girls, and if you really want to attack something, join the other "anti photoshop" people - Now THERE is something with an impact.

LEAVE BARBIE ALONE! Where's Chris Crocker when you need him?

     When I think back to my childhood, I never remember Barbie as being a source of unhappiness for me, nor does Barbie have ANYTHING to do with my beauty ideals nowadays. I prefer dark hair, green eyes, a full bottom, and quite frankly anything latina. I never, ever, ever in my life wanted to look like a Barbie doll. If you want to attack something that gives unhealthy beauty ideals, attack Angelina Jolie! Her face is so perfect it's heartbreaking.

You're not sorry. I still forgive you though.

     Then there's the thing about models.. I understand the desire to have thin models, HOWEVER, you don't have to go too far back (think pre heroin chic) to find skinny but not emaciated-looking models. It really is getting ridiculous nowadays. I come from a *very* thin family in general (my mom was around 105 lbs/7.5 stone before she got pregnant with me) so I'm used to skinny, but some of the women we are presented with now are so skinny it literally takes my focus off the clothes because I get so repulsed by the boniness.

Still think photoshop is the biggest culprit!

     There's apparently a mannequin battle going on as well, which is just.. ridiculous. They are dolls there to sell clothes. If you get insecure by looking at a mannequin you have much deeper issues. Seriously, go see a shrink.

    

     On a final note, I'd like to address the "love thyself" motto everyone is promoting nowadays. I never understood the whole thing about "learning to embrace your size" etc. This is not because I mind people being a larger size. I don't care what other people look like. However, if YOU care what size you are, you don't have to "learn to embrace" anything. You don't have to stay unhappy. Losing weight, contrary to what the food/exercise industry wants you to believe, is really easy. The only reason they tell you it's difficult is because they make a TON of money off you using all sorts of supplements, exercise plans, diet tricks, special foods etc. trying to lose weight, when all you really have to do is clean up what you eat, and create a moderately active lifestyle for yourself. No special diets needed! Just choose to make healthy (or at least semi-healthy) foods your main choice, and go for a brisk walk 3 - 4 times a week and you're all set! Now, this won't turn you into a Victoria's Secret model, mind you. Looking like Gisele Bundchen is not easy. Looking like Candice Swanepoel is not easy. Getting a body like that requires dedication and a lot of work, but being an averagely fit/slim person doesn't take too much work (for most people). Of course some people are more prone to being overweight than others, but even in those cases it's still not your genes that are making you fat - it's how you live. You have to be that much more strict. Is it unfair? Yes! But so are a lot of things! Some people have to work harder in school to amount to something, some people have to work harder at sports to be good at them, and some people have to work harder to stay slim. We're dealt different cards and have to live accordingly if we want to make the most of our ourselves.

If easy weight gain is what's making you think that, you should count your blessings.

     To recap: if you're big and loving it - good for you! But if you're big and unhappy - you don't have to "learn to accept it"! You can lose weight! Loving yourself shouldn't be about what size you are, but WHO you are. Being happy in your body, however, does become a lot easier when you're HEALTHY. I will NEVER get the body I think is the perfect dream body, because I'm simply not built the way that I think is "ideal", but I can get the healthiest and most appealing version of ME and be happy with that. Just remember that whatever you do, make sure you do it for yourself. Don't try to lose weight (or gain weight for that matter) to please others. If you're happy with yourself, others should be happy for you!

Hope y'all are happy and having a lovely time over the holidays.

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Yours,

How To Spend Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve is finally here (NOT Christmas STEVE, so take that gays!). Anyway, if you're anything like me, you're just dying to eat some delicious Christmas food. While I'm waiting, I figured I might as well write a blog post about how to spend Christmas.

1. Wear sweatpants and a lose fitting top.

If you're anything like me, you'll need expandable clothing.


                               

This is the aim of Christmas!

2. Make yourself look presentable.

People are undoubtedly going to be snapping pictures of you at random moments, probably when you're stuffing your face like the fat Christmas elf you are. The least you can do is make sure your junkie like under eye bags aren't showing as well.

You don't want to be tagged on Facebook looking like this.

3. Don't overdo it.

Christmas Eve isn't a fashion show/beauty display - it's a competition. A competition with yourself. The goal of it? To eat more than you ate last year. To eat more than you've ever done in your life. To eat more than you ever will! Red lipstick is only going to make that unnecessarily complicated.

Take it from Paris: that shit ain't cute.

4. Don't have breakfast.

Don't eat anything at all. Save your appetite for the big Christmas meal.

So are we, Rebecca!

OR

5. Eat cookies for breakfast. 

As many as you want. Don't forget the milk (if you're the type to forget about the milk, I don't even know what to do with you. You need help beyond my capabilities)!

Literally how I looked this morning

6. Have a nap.

If you have a life, you were having wine with your best friends until 6 AM this morning, like me.

IT'S CHRISTMAS!

7. Regardless of whether you decided on 4 or 5, do something to increase your appetite.

Exercising is my activity of choice. If you're in a relationship (or if you're already on Santa's naughty list) sex is a viable option, unless your boyfriend (/random hookup) is "premature".

So I'm told

8. Watch Christmas movies.

"The Holiday", "Home Alone", and "Love, Actually" are favorites of mine!

Such a classic moment!

9. If you choose to watch The Holiday... 

die a little inside every time Jude Law is on screen (side note, while all British boys don't look like him, in my experience many of them are actually that charming.)

I love The Holiday because REASONS!

10. Time to eat!

Eating the Christmas dinner requires being tactical and a bit of planning. You need to take your time and savour every bite of delicious ecstasy that is [insert whatever food you're eating], but you need to be fast enough that you manage to eat about 3 times the amount you'd normally be able to before feeling full. My current record is 3/4 of a duck, 13 caramelized potatoes, half a bowl of sweet'n'sour red cabbage, and 1 liter of soda. Then desert. Yes, I'm proud of this. DON'T HATE ME 'CAUSE YOU AIN'T ME!

This guy is on to something...

11. In my country, we open presents after dinner.

It's fun to watch my little cousins get all excited about their presents.

That's not actually one of my cousins.

12. What you do now is completely optional.

Assuming I'll ever come out of my food coma, I will be attending the annual post-Christmas wine feast at my best friends house (about 30 seconds away from my grandma's house where I'll be spending Christmas Eve). This has become something of a tradition over the past few years. This is just to make sure that we slow down our metabolism after the huge feast so the fat can REALLY get on our stomachs!

Literally us.

So there you have it! My idea of what December 24th should look like! What will you guys be doing?

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Happy Christmas,

Farmville Spin Off: Famville!

So, my friend and I were talking, and we came up with this great concept of "Famville", a spin off to the popular Farmville, where you're helping couples have children, featuring (but not limited to) fun events like:

"Donna asked for your sperm in Famville"

"Olga was just inseminated on Famville"

"Marie just had an abortion. Send her a hate mail by clicking here"

"Coleen is trying to have an abortion on Famville. Try to stop her by forcing her to get scanned, sending her cute baby names, and convincing her talk to a priest about the mental issues sure to follow."

But it's not just for women! Men get to do fun things like:

"Martin's sperm count is low. Help him by getting him to exercise and eat healthy"

"Carl just donated sperm on Famville. Congratulate him by sending him a gift."

If you're a prejudiced bastard, you get to combat adoption by gay couples by using the "God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve" argument! But watch out for the pesky activists who can fight back with logic and reason! If you're really hardcore, you can attempt to blow up an abortion clinic!

You can even force pregnant teenagers to keep their baby, and scan for "birth defects" so you can abort the baby if it has any (because if there's "something wrong" with it, it's excusable and you're not a hypocrite) - JUST LIKE IN REAL LIFE!


This, and so much more FOR FREE in the upcoming Facebook game for the entire family: Famville! Names used in this promotional feature are fictional, and any resemblance to actual people is pure coincidence.

Patent pending.
Copyrighted.
All Rights Reserved.
Trademarked.

IT'S MINE!

Personally, I think this is a hit just waiting to happen!
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Don't Let Labels Hold You Back #WhipIt

I'm lounging around in my bed in a complete and utter food coma, looking around on Facebook, not expecting anything interesting to pop up, when a wild YouTube video appears:

I am completely in love with this video and the message it's conveying, so happy that millions have already watched it, and I hope millions more will get to watch it. It's time that we stop rejecting qualities in women, that we admire and respect in men. While men need to stop being afraid of strong women, much more important is the need for women to stop being so jealous of other women! We are holding ourselves back when we can never be happy or proud of the achievements of our fellow women because we're too busy envying them, secretly feeling happy when they fail, and jumping at any chance to contribute to chauvinistic conversations with men, when they are making fun of women with power because of their own inability to handle it. I'm proud to say that I'm not one of those petty women who despises more beautiful and successful women than myself, but I do recognize that it is a huge issue, and looking at how young women treat each other, I'm afraid it will only get worse. It's obvious by the terminology they use (and by how they treat feminine men), that being a woman is one of the worst things imaginable to many men. Do we really need to prove them right?

#ShineStrong

Yours,

Catfish: The TV Show

I'm watching "Catfish", and while I feel it's really strange to use someone else's pictures and lie to people, the episode I just watched made me cringe. The "Catfish" literally lied about how she looked, and that was it. The guy was actually in love with her, as in her actual personality. She started the catfishing to get back at him because he'd treated her badly (they'd spoke in person before), but ended up falling in love with him (which we all know can make people crazy). Anyway, it was intriguing to watch how he rejected her, when she turned out to be fat, but acted like a smitten little boy when he video chatted with the girl from the photos, who he didn't know.. at all (also, she completely out of his league). I think the catfish might actually have been the one who dodged a bullet in this case.

In the episode I'm currently watching, a girl is scared of meeting the guy she's talking to, because she has been photoshopping pictures of herself to look skinnier.. for 7½ years.  Did she not once in those 7½ years think that it would be quite easy to just, oh you know, lose weight? What world are we living in, when lying to people is easier than losing weight? Disgusting! Anyway, turns out the guy she's talking to is ALSO a catfish, and the photos he sent her weren't him at all. She looked SO disappointed that the modelesque guy she'd been thinking he was, which she incidentally said was the thing she cared the *least* about, turned out not to be that. So they meet and he turns out to be overweight as well, but everything else was true. She didn't receive a picture of him until the year before this meeting, so she's known him for 6½ years, and supposedly been in love with him for that time, before ever seeing a picture of him. "It's on the bottom of the list", she said of his appearance. When they meet she was prepared to meet someone else than who's in the pictures he's sent. He, however, had no idea that she's about 2 - 3 times larger than the photoshopped pictures portray. He doesn't flinch or seem to notice - he's still crazy about her, and wants to see where this could lead. She.. isn't as interested. She's very disappointed, and basically feels nothing for him (but his looks didn't matter). "I don't wanna sound.. superficial. I don't know if it's physical or.." Suddenly after seeing him she's just not "feeling it". She does think it's "contradictory" because she's "not small" either. Now she's giving him a speech about how she's at a "turning point" in her life, and that she's "not ready for a relationship" because she has to "love herself" first, which is obviously bullshit.

Him: I still wanna be there for you.. but I'm wondering if this is the last time I'll ever see you, or..

Her: Probably.

*AFTERWARDS*

"That was hard.. I just have to be myself right now. I finally like myself now, and I can't jeopardize that by being with someone.. not right now." Right.. that's why.

Anyway, apparently they were going to meet up again, so it might not be as bad as I initially thought. I guess it's a lot to take in, but still.. this show just really shows how superficial we all are, regardless of how we look ourselves. Wanting someone we're physically attracted to, is not superficiality. Claiming that you don't care at all how someone looks, that you love them etc. and then feeling nothing when they turn out to not be a model looking abzilla, however, is.

The show is really good, though, and the salt'n'pepper haired camera guy Max is really hot (oh the irony), so it's still worth a watch!


Yours,

5 Ways To Stay Skinny This Christmas

OK, so basically (without giving to much away), I might have something in the works that will enable me to make money off how I look (no, it's not porn). Anyway, discovering this at Christmas time is depressing to say the least. "Why Cah Cah", you might be wondering. Well I'll tell you: I was not exactly planning on being mindful about what I ate. At all. It's Christmas, and I want to eat whatever I want, whenever I want it. Now, however, I've got to keep in mind that I can't let myself slip too far down the slope of ultimate fatarse. OK, I'm complaining about something that - in all honesty - I'm really excited about, so while it does suck that I can't just go full fatass on my entire existence, I won't be too bothered either. So without further ado, here are some tips to not becoming a balloon with a face during Christmas:

1. Go holiday shopping.. on foot

    Holiday shopping is always stressful, and you're bound to get your heart pumping running for the last shampoo/deodorant combo that you've bought for all of your cousins children (variation? What's that?). But imagine doing all this, and then adding to it by WALKING. Picture it: you've got 4 bags full of shit thoughtful gifts, but instead of walking the pathetic 20 feet to your car, you'll walk - wait for it - HOME! On the snowy, icy roads, you'll be slippin'n'trippin' your way through the honking cars, the drivers giving you a Christmasy one-finger wave. You might make some enemies, but hey, they're just jealous that they're not as committed to their fitness as you are. *CAUTION* If you live in America, don't do this or you might get sued.

Look at her, adding some knee-highs. You go girl!

2. Get a job as a mall Santa

    Let's face it: you're fat and you're hairy, and during the Winter you're gonna be more of both. Might as well profit from it. *CAUTION* If you live in America, don't look too happy around the children, or you might get a visit from Dateline NBC.

"Why don't you take a seat over there."

3. Only eat the bad stuff

    My personal favorite: stop eating any healthy meals, so the only thing you put in your body is the bad good stuff. If you're lucky, this means you're not really going to be gaining any weight, because you literally won't have had enough food in total! WHAT could POSSIBLY go wrong? *CAUTION* If you live outside America, this might be too hardcore for you. Thanks to there being hardly any regulation of the food industry, Americans are accustomed to only putting bad food into their bodies. Some of us, however, manage to do it, but it takes years of practice.

Literally how I look right now munching on the latest batch of cookies

4. Stop celebrating Christmas

    OK, it's a little drastic I know, but if you're one of those people who really don't care too much about Christmas, this could be a viable option, and it certainly would excuse you from any Christmas function that required excessive eating. *CAUTION* If you live in America, don't advertise this, as Bill O'Reilly and Fox might come after you for it, and who really needs that drama over a holiday they don't even care about?

Sorry Bill, I can't come to your Christmas party. I'm.. busy.

5. Don't count calories
    If you don't know how many calories the food you're eating contains, your body can't register them = you won't gain weight at all. *CAUTION* If you live in America, everything contains high-fructose corn syrup which is basically the fat juice of the devil, so this doesn't apply.

Wat are this?

Hope these tips help you!

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Yours,

10 Things That Annoy Me

1. The phrase "at the end of the day".

 Seriously, this is the worst phrase anyone has ever come up with. It's almost always followed by something like this "At the end of the day, we're all just people, you know? Like, everyone's different, but, like, God loves you, he created you in his image, like, just be yourself, like, you're great, and at the end of the day, it's all about love, soo.. yeah"

At the end of the day, Rebecca, it doesn't really matter, because God loves you, so yeah..

2. People who, if confronted with any sort of criticism, classify it as "hate".

 Example: "The Selena Gomez song 'Come and get it' doesn't really send out the best message to young girls." This is inevitably followed by "STOP HATING ON SELENA OMG! IF YOU DON'T LIKE HER GO LISTEN TO SOMEONE ELSE YOU IDIOT! WHY ARE YOU HATING YOU STUPID MORON? I BET YOUR PARENTS ARE COUSINGS *AND* SIBLINGS AND YOU'RE JUST RETARDED!" Uhm.. who's hating? And I kind of had to listen to the song at least once to know anything about it. OK to be honest, I haven't even heard the song, but Lorde supposedly received "a ton of backlash" from expressing that opinion about the song.

Lorde looking utterly frightened by teenagers feeling big behind their computer screens.

3. People whose idea of crazy is mundane things like watching television on the floor.

 Just because it gives me a reality check as to how insane I really am.

"Insane".. and a TV effect.. get it? .. yeah, I don't think it's funny either.

4. The sharpie brow trend.

Seriously. Give. it. A. REST.

I'm talking to you, Iceland!

5. Apathetic receptionists!

Seriously, if you don't like your job, quit! Don't just sit there and act like ou're too good for the world! Nobody cares that you're actually "an artist".

OK, that's nice, can I please get my movie ticket? Thanks.

6. People who have pictures of themselves as screensaver/cover photo.

Don't think I need to elaborate on this one.

Unless you're this cute, of course. I'd still give him shit, mind you.

7. People who use the "Adam and Steve" argument against homosexuality.

Seriously, this effectively proves nothing more than your inability to form an intelligent, coherent argument.

All you can do, really..

8. Racism/focus on skin color in general.

I recently had a guy ask me "do you like dark guys?" I really didn't know how to respond, because I don't even consider it a factor. Skin color is irrelevant.

..although.. tall, dark, and handsome? Yes please!

9. I don't like quotes and folk wisdom in general.

Related to nr 1. "If she'll do it with you, she'll do it to you" etc. They're completely stupid.

10. Name droppers.

My friend John Travolta and I think they're the worst.

OK Oprah, we get it. Even your friends are better than us.

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Yours,