Following My Dreams

When I was a kid, I always knew that I was going to work in entertainment. I knew I was going to be either an actress, comedienne, or both, and that I was going to make it big. Now I study psychology, hate it so much that I literally can't stand to wake up in the morning, and every day I dream of what my life should have been. Let me put one thing out there: I'm in my early 20's. What my life "should have been" I should still be able to achieve. My time hasn't run out. I'm just scared. I know some very inspirational people, who have overcome adversity and followed their dreams. One of my very best friends who I've known since I was 12 or 13, is a professional dancer, which is something she's worked at for so many years. Failure was not an option; it was all she wanted to do. Performing, entertaining, acting is all I've wanted to do since I was 10 years old, but coming from a tiny country with very limited options and being so disliked by most people that I tended to avoid crowds whenever I could, I never felt like it was doable. When I grew up and life got better, one thing didn't improve: my cynical outlook on what I could achieve. I had decided to "stop dreaming" and that I was going to be rational. I'm highly intelligent, so not going to university to study something "sciency" would be a terrible waste, right? Wrong. This is by far dumbest thing I've ever done. OK, maybe not the dumbest thing EVER, but pretty high up there. For someone who prides herself on her intelligence, I really can be such a complete idiot. Why did I ever think not following my heart's desire and pursuing the only thing I've ever wanted to do would end well? Why did I ever kid myself into thinking that a "normal" life with a 9 - 5 job would ever satisfy me? What's the point of being so rational that it makes you behave irrationally and leaves you feeling depressed? I always thought my passion for life had been diminished by, shall we say, "a series of unfortunate events". I've been blaming others for so long for extinguishing my fire, when really, they tried to do that for most of my life and never succeeded. I'm the one who drowned myself in my own insecurities and doubts, and I'm the one who ultimately killed my own fire. Therefore, I also need to be the one to rekindle it. First step is to stop being such a wuss, and doing something that I actually want to do, like attending acting school in New York or Los Angeles. I'll work, save the money, and make it happen. It might be tough, but it can't be worse than dooming myself to doing something I really don't want to do. It's time I take responsibility for myself, what I want out of life, and how I'm going to get there. I'm tired of feeling myself slowly dying, like the rose in Beauty and the Beast. I need to feel alive again. I need to want to be alive again.


I realize this is very similar to my last post. Guess I wasn't done talking about it.
Yours,