Is University Right For Me?

This question has been burning in my mind for the past few months and I can't seem to find a definitive answer to it. It's not that my course isn't interesting per se, nor do I find it particularly difficult. I am just bored. I'm a very energetic, outrageous person, and I basically live to laugh (and eat). I am either studying the wrong subject, or studying in general is just not where I want to be. Life after studying this particular subject is not where I see myself either. Me, having a 9 - 5 job, where I have to be serious and engage in serious things? I don't see that happening. If you don't know me and need a greater idea of what my personality is like than what my blog offers, think of me as a mixture between YouTuber Jenna Marbles and actress Jennifer Lawrence. Those are the two women I am most frequently told remind people of me. I am not saying J&J aren't academic types etc. They may well have gone to university for all I know! I'm just saying imagine Jenna and Jennifer (perhaps with a dash of Kathy Griffin) in one person, add "normal, 9 - 5 job" into the equation, and you might see where the problems begin. I think I liked the idea of a serious job, because I really do have a very rational, intellectual, scientific aspect to my character - it just isn't as dominating as I thought it was. I am essentially an entertainer at heart. University was just a way to escape the confines of a tiny society, and therefore the idea of it was too precious to jeopardize. I couldn't second guess it. I wouldn't allow myself to! Now I'm here, and I don't really know what to do with myself. I feel, if possible, even more stuck than I did before moving. I wish I was born and raised in a place, where a life in the entertainment industry seemed like a possibility - a place where there even was an entertainment industry! If you're from the US, or any place that values "The American Dream" (which mostly is just delusional), your basic entity is created differently than if you're from a country that doesn't even have 1% of the US population. The idea of something that isn't just a 9 - 5 existence is so far removed from any graspable reality, unless you are a really, really big dreamer, and while I dream big, I am also ruthlessly rational to the point that I've convinced myself of the impossibility of it. People that live with television studios around the corner from their houses consider that line of work impossible - how on earth should I see it? My mother, the ever faithful supporter of whatever it is I choose to do with my life, was rooting for me to move to the States to try to fulfill my dreams, and yet I shot myself down before even attempting to fly. Now I sit here alone, typing my thoughts on my computer, with a blurrier view of what I want from my life than I've ever had before. All I know is that my life isn't what I want it to be, it's not going where I want it to go, and I have no clue what to do about it.

How I feel when I evaluate my future.

When I was a teenager I used to roll my eyes every time a teacher said "Writing things down can really help". I feel stupid about that now, but back then I sure knew everything. Maybe it's time I turn all of the notes I have written down (not my blog posts) into either a stand up act or a YouTube video (if I ever get my hands on anything decent to record it with. Like, I don't even care if it's a camcorder or an iPhone, just something better than this "I'll make your face look like it's been painted by Picasso" camera I have. Anyway, no more feeling sorry for myself. Now I'm going to do something productive!

By productive I mean something along the lines of looking at this gif and hugging myself.

If you feel as lost, confused, and pathetic about your life as I do mine share this with fellow pathetics and let them know they're not alone. If you've got it all figured out and just want to laugh at someone who's a mess, then that's OK too. That's what the internet is for!

I guess I do have a definitive answer: university isn't for me. Being smart doesn't automatically make this what someone wants, needs, or should do. But where do I go from here? Well, first of all I'm going downstairs. This sort of thinking requires chocolate.

Yours,